a steady wish for the ultimate good

i won’t sugar coat it. i’ve been having a rough time lately. at the moment i have a splitting headache and i am exhausted- and i still have a midterm paper to write before i can go to bed. and then i have to be up at 7 for a class tomorrow. i’ve been fighting a cold and a stomach virus and a lot of fear and complacency. and it’s hard. and it’s okay. but i just had a really big reality check.

“The very quality of your life, whether you love it or hate it, is based upon
how thankful you are toward God. It is one’s attitude that determines
whether life unfolds into a place of blessedness or wretchedness. Indeed,
looking at the same rose bush, some people complain that the roses have
thorns while others rejoice that some thorns come with roses. It all depends
on your perspective.” — Francis Frangipane

this july, i spent 9 days in the poorest country in the western hemisphere.  i experienced poverty as bad as you can imagine.  i saw children who had nothing but the clothes on their backs. and most of them were smiling. God taught me a LOT through the Haitian people. and i really don’t think i’ve taken quite enough time to meditate or even just write about some of that. tonight, i was looking at some pictures i took on my trip. and something in my heart kind of snapped.

this life is not my own. this life is not my own. i live not for myself. i live only to see Your face.

i am so selfish. SO selfish. so wrapped up in my own issues and problems and comforts and i get so detached. i was sitting here less than an hour ago thinking about how i feel distant from Jesus. and i just kinda felt bad for myself… and started looking at pictures. i do that a lot. i reminisce and get stuck in the past. or get stuck thinkng about the future. i’m missing it. i’m missing it. i’m missing now.

yes… i have a headache. and my nose is stuffed up. and i’m physcially and spiritually and emotionally tired. but it’s not even about that. these circumstances are not an excuse for anything. my attitude needs adjusting. i am SO blessed. when all i can see are the things i don’t like or the things that i’m frustrated with or whatever, i am ONCE AGAIN forgetting my place.

Oh, God. how AMAZING is Your Grace, that saves a wretch like me. i am disgustingly sinful in myself, in my pride… and i am beyond humbled and greatful and so undeserving of the grace You pour out. the Blood that You shed for me.

Jesus, thank You for loving me. for seeing Your beauty in me despite the stench of my complaceny, my laziness, my ungreatfulness. for seeing Your son in me. God, thank You that even though i am so flawed, You take my broken pieces. even though you could just destroy them, You choose to remake them.  You are forming me and molding me.  God i am nothing without You.

i have been facing a lot of anxiety lately. i have to make decisions about my future. and something i keep saying is that i ‘don’t feel like school is for me.’ and maybe, it’s not. but the fact is… i’m in school at the moment. God has me here, now, in this semester… this is now. and i need to live now. i have not been giving school my all. i have not been pursuing it, because it is hard for me. it’s something i don’t enjoy. i have felt guilty about this… and guilt is not from the Lord. but tonight, God convicted me. as i flipped through pictures of some children i photographed in Haiti- i came across a few in their classroom. and something shifted in my gut as i looked at those small faces, in their dirt covered classes- and as i saw the joy and the thankfulness in their eyes. i don’t want to take my education for granted. i can’t.

Forgive me for squandering my blessings, Lord. Jesus… i want to go after You with everything. because it’s all Yours, anyway. Thank You for giving me a renewed perspective, God. once again.

at the beginning of this year i noticed a shift taking place in my heart concerning my feelings and thoughts about finding/meeting ‘the one’ and my desires as far as one day being a wife.  up until this part of my life, i realized, i’d always thought about getting married one day in a very SELFISH way. i wanted (and still do) someone to hold me, to take care of me, to delight in me and walk with me. a best friend, a constant buddy, someone who would encourage me and support me and lead me and help me and comfort me and walk through life with me. it was all about me.

but then i started to realize (because the Holy Spirit started showing me) the absolute BEAUTY and POWER that is in a marriage relationship. i started to see that my relationship one day with my future husband will be more about me & God than me or “my man”. i started to see that marriage isn’t just about the two humans involved- it is meant to be a glorious revelation of intimacy, and love, and companionship. it’s meant to be an analogy to the world of how in Love the Bridegroom is with His bride. it is meant to bring God glory, NOT to fulfill a person’s need for companionship.

don’t get me wrong… i do think we need each other. and i do think that a husband and wife should be best friends. and one day, when i marry, my man will be the second person i run to when i’m scared or when i need to ask for advice. and i’ll follow him and i’ll devote hours of energy and affection and love to him and our relationship. but the first Person i go to will and should be Jesus. He is my Best friend, my dearest Beloved, my first and my last Love, and the reason for every ounce of my existence.

this sounds like a very simple idea. many people say ‘Jesus is my number one’, but i have been challenged to consider what it REALLY means to LIVE that. i see so many people who love Jesus enter into romantic relationships… and start to put Him second. or third. and they unintentionally put their significant other before God. and their relationship with God becomes something they keep around to make sure that their romance stays ‘healthy and God-centered’ but they actually keep God at bay and focus all of their attention and affection on this human.

and the truth is… this always ends badly. i’m not saying it ends in break-ups or divorce, but it definitely ends in brokenness. because humans are imperfect. and nobody, nobody is meant to hold the place in our hearts that belongs to Jesus. and i’m not saying that everyone does this- but it happens a lot. it happens to people who aren’t even dating or married. it happens among friends.

yes- we were made to love. we were made to love God. we were made to love ourselves and to accept God’s love for us. and to BE WITH Him. let me say it again: we were made to BE WITH God, to love Him and let Him love us. and we are called to share His love, as it is poured into us and as we accept it from Him. we are called to let His love be an OVERFLOW into the lives of our dearest and closest friends, as well as the strangers we meet on the street.

love is an overflow of our relationship with the One who never lets us down, never lets us go. without Him being first in our lives, we cannot truly love to the extent that we were made to. because we aren’t letting Him lead. because we aren’t trusting Him.

i am realizing more and more that He is my Husband. He is my Best Friend. He is the One i truly desire. and He is the only one that will ALWAYS be there to hold me, to take care of me, to delight in me and walk with me. HE is my best friend, a constant buddy, someone who encourages me and supports me and and helps me and comforts me and walks through life with me. so basically- i’ve already met the Love of my life. :) and i’m letting Him lead.

and one day, in His timing, i’ll meet my earthly husband. and our love relationship will be a beautiful, precious thing. and it will bring God so much glory. but until then- and after- and forever and always, i’ll be -first and foremost- His beloved. <3

i have good days and i have bad days. sometimes i’m content, if not happy, and no matter the circumstances i go about my life with a positive attitude. i’m hopeful and patient and trusting and confident in You and Your love.

but sometimes i feel miserable. i feel useless and alone and like everything i’m spending time and energy on is just a waste of … life. i want to be a part of something big and i know that i am and i know we don’t always see it. but i’m so tired. i know that life is not always going to be ‘good’ but i just want to be with You through it all. i just want to know that You’re with me and that even when everything seems completely insane and totally irrelevant and meaningless… that at least i’m still with You. that i’m Yours and You’re mine and that all of this is for something greater that i can’t see yet. i want to believe it… because honestly i just get so caught up in the actions, in the passions, in the moments and then when it all crashes down and i remember how small i am… it’s frightening. because if i’m wrong this story could have a catastrophic ending. if i’m wrong, i’m toast.

i don’t know how to really explain it. i’m not just talking about circumstances in my own life. you know- my job, where i’m living, who i have a crush on, who i hang out with. i’m talking about this life itself. why don’t my head and my heart agree? God, what am i doing here? who am i? why am i so sinful, so selfish? i can’t stand my humanity. the way i blunder through my life, hurting people i love, and hating myself. i wasn’t meant to be so stuck. i want to be free. i don’t understand. but at the end of the day… all i have is my faith. “the principal part of faith is patience.” so… i’ll wait. i’ll wait on You.

come, Lord, like You promised. just like You said You would.

hmm… :)  i love this. and i think i experienced it a bit, today. life has been… nothing short of an emotional car crash this last month. God is doing a lot in and through and around me and it’s painful but good. but i’ve been getting way too stressed out. and it’s funny because one of the biggest weights i’ve been carrying around is school. this summer i decided to start listening to God’s call for me to really get committed with my photography. to work on it and use it for Him. all for Him. soooo even though at the end of last semester i had mentally sworn that it would take flying pigs to get me to go back to school, i decided to keep plugging away at community college and that i’d switch my major from communications to photography. (this was a big leap of faith, not to sound cliche, for me)

i haven’t done it officially yet, but i did the research i needed to and signed up for classes that fall under the photog requirements.  at the time i didn’t really think twice about the fact that i was about to become an ‘art student’, something i would have never expected to call myself. art was not, in my mind, something worth going to school for. and even as i registered for design 1 and intro to art… i had no idea what i was really getting myself into. i was completely overwhelmed when i walked into my first design class, the first art class of any kind i’ve had since middle school, and looked around at all the graphic designers and comic book artists. i felt like i was WAY in over my head. and… well, i was. haha. i’m now three weeks into the class and i still haven’t got around to purchasing my own bristol pad or pencils- i finally bought a sketchpad last night. haha.

but this brings me back to the quote above… last night, i was hanging with my friend kristyn- and we were up into the wee hours of the morning laughing and attempting to complete this homework assignment that was due today for my design class. and we’re giggling away but in my head and my stomach is this sinking, anxious feeling… because i have NO IDEA what i’m doing. we were supposed to draw three images of the same subject from nature, using different line qualities. that sentence might as well have been in japanese- because i had no idea what that meant. granted, leaving my homework til the night before was not the best idea- but it all kinda flows back to the fact that there was this bubble of anxiety hiding in my stomach. so i did the best i could with kristyn’s help and then woke up this morning and drove to class.

i was so nervous, i almost decided to just skip it. i was so afraid of walking in and looking like an incompetent idiot… that i had a mini panic attack in my car on a back street two blocks from my campus. but something in me pulled through and chided my heart for listening to the fear and i gathered my emotions and pushed them down and walked into class (five minutes late) with my eyes on the floor. and i ended up surviving the four hour class. shocker!! haha. the prof asked us to show our homework, and i hesitated and eventually chickened out when i saw that there were other students who hadn’t done it at all… i pretended not to have it either so i wouldn’t have to show the class my lame attempts. i think my teacher was disappointed, but i couldn’t bring myself to share my half-hearted, rushed work.

we spent the rest of the class time working on a logo. we were supposed to design something that represented us. ourselves. and since i can’t really draw… this was interesting for me. but even though it was uncomfortable and very humbling for me, i worked… and worked… for the entire class. my teacher was helpful as she could be, i feel like i don’t belong and that i speak a totally different language than she does… but i TRIED to get my brain to push the envelope that i’m so used to. i tried to sketch and broaden my horizons and even (SHOCK!) blur some lines.

as a photographer- and just in general- my personality is very observant. i look out at what is around me, and take it in and process and describe. i analyze. i show what is real. but as i was working on this logo, my teacher was challenging me to challenge myself. to frustrate my instincts. and it was definitely difficult. not really fun, and it got quite messy. i started out sketching with a pencil, and then moved to guache (i think this is the fancy word for water color paint. what the who… paint is paint!), and then to charcoal. that… was… ironic. because as i sat frustrated and uncomfortable, trying to think outside the box of my own imagination, trying to see something for what it WASN’T, i literally got my hands dirty… and had to be okay with, embrace even, my mistakes and what i normally would see as flaws- i had to use as a strength.

as my hands turned black and the white pages became covered in smudges i didn’t notice what was happening (internally)… but something was. i left class feeling much lighter then when i arrived, cleaner- despite the charcoal all over my fingers, accomplished- even though i was not really pleased with my work aesthetically. i was thinking differently. more openly, creatively, i’m not sure… but it was definitely almost like i had been cleansed. it didn’t all come together in my mind until i got to work and logged onto tumblr and saw this picture- but now it’s kind of hit me and it’s quite interesting. :) getting dirty… and blurring the lines… left me feeling, in an odd sort of way, cleansed. i never thought that something that is so unnatural and so challenging for me could also be weirdly freeing. hmm…

i miss these children. i miss the joy (not happiness) i experienced in Haiti. i miss feeling like i was doing something significant. i miss how HARD it was and how UNCOMFORTABLE and how that made it so easy to recognize my lack, my need. and now i’m back in the ‘flow’ of regular old going-to-school American comfortable busy life- and i hateeee it. but i KNOW this is where He wants me right now. and i need to adjust my attitude. they say that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. and i’ve always been tough. but maybe it’s time to be soft. to be broken in ways i’ve never been broken before. the Lord is teaching me about letting go, and about giving Him control. about trusting Him. every time i think i’m doing a good job of leaning on Him- He throws me for another loop and takes me deeper and the challenges seem 18 times more challenging than they were before. and it’s hard. and it’s not easy. but He is so faithful, how can i doubt that He knows what He is doing?! i need to (WANT to) keep my eyes on the One who has me here, now, in this moment for a reason, a purpose- one that i may not be able to see fully now, but one that i believe is important. one that will bring Him glory. and that’s what matters. that’s what i’m living for. even when i don’t feel Him close, or see Him clearly in the circumstances of my life, i KNOW deep in my soul that He loves me… and i want THAT to be my motivation. all to Him i owe.

it’s not for us, it’s all for You

there is something that is stirring within me, and i can’t put words to it. i can’t explain it. there is no song i could sing, no story i could write, no picture i could take, no sermon i could preach, no cry i could bellow from the depth of my belly to express it. it cannot be expressed in human form. what is this thing in me? or what thing am i overlapping, suffocating? this… life. life is within me, fighting to break out. it’s a ball of energy and time and… essence. i am nothing without it, and i need it - it is breath. it is the electricity that starts a fire in my eyes every time they open. it does not flicker or falter, i do. i fail. over and over again. the ligament, the cord holding everything together is so frail. so fragile. it snaps with one deep sigh and i am back where i started. i’m beginning again. every time i blink, it resets. i am a calloused hand- holding tightly to a thousand grains of irreplaceable, delicate moments. each second that passes is another fluid motion as they fall from my grasping fingers to the echoing emptiness beneath my feet. i am walking on glass… i am flying through a windy, confusing speck of an idea of reality. and tears flow down my cheeks and run down my arms and soak the pages i am trying to turn into something they are not. i’m trying to make gold out of a pen and a notebook. out of ink and wood- i want to build something of worth. but i am weeping at the uselessness of it all. and so i sit back, tilt my head towards the trees and let out a cackling laugh of despair. what is there to do but wipe the dirt from my face and the sand from the cracks in my hands. i look at the sweat and the blood that my efforts have produced- a bubble of useless pain. i laugh because i am nothing. i laugh and i cry and slam my wrist into my forehead and then breathe again. smell the blood and taste the tears again. and the all-to-familiar memory crashes into my brain and i’m back in the place of recognition, of realization. the shock floods my veins like ice water and my soul groans. i remember. this is what happens when i act a role that i was never meant to play. when i take steps that weren’t mine to choreograph and draw plans that were never mine to design. i’m no architect, and my toothpick bridges have fallen again. and this time i’m more broken then ever before. i was not made for this. i want to be the currency, not the banker. it’s time i was spent.

i miss them. i miss the children. i miss their faces. the eyes looking up into mine like there was some kind of hope to be found there. and there was. so freely given, you poured it out to them. through me. and it felt right for the first time in my life. it was right for the first time in a very long time. i was living and you were moving. i was breathing again, singing again. but i was standing still.

i want to write a story not just with words but with the way i live my life. i want to be a part of something bigger than myself. i want an irreplaceable role in the stories i see unfolding all around me, all the time.  to live with purpose, to live with vision. to walk steadily in the direction of my dreams. i want to be, to exist, to flow… to go. i don’t want to sit still any longer. i’m tired of being unmoved, of being stagnant. i hate apathy. i want to write music. i want to take pictures all day every day. i want my life, not just my voice to be a harmony. God is the melody. i am nothing. i have nothing. life seems so meaningless… and yet i have so much hope. i feel like a walking paradox. i am a contradiction. what is this, stirring within me? what am i? i am too focused on what i am not. i am too focused on what i could be. there is a reason for every season- there is an ebb and flow, yes. but i’m sick of being stuck. i’m sick of being distracted. i want to be walking. i want to live.

this morning, at 6:03 AM i hit snooze twice, dragged myself out of my warm bed, groggily climbed the stairs, and got in the shower. as i stood there under the hot water, i prayed. for myself. that i would be patient- that i would stay focused- that i wouldn’t worry about the little anxieties nipping at my mind. i got irritated when my sister came in to the bathroom and started getting ready. i was tired, and pissy… but i kept my mouth shut and listened to her tell me about a dream she’d had. i figured it was the ‘right’ thing to do. as a good christian, i needed to show her love- and that meant i should deny the urge i had to tell her “i’m sorry… i’m not in the mood to listen… i just want quiet.” i had to take deep breaths and literally bite my lip… but i listened. i kept my cool. mentally patted myself on the back for practicing self control. when i went back downstairs and finished getting ready- i was led to open up my bible to 1 corinthians 13. and this is what i read:

¹ If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. ²If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. ^3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

with this in mind, i finished getting ready and went about my day. when i got to work i heard from some people that ‘another earthquake’ had hit Haiti. i went online to investigate, and i found out that this morning, at 6:03 AM- while i was getting ready:

“A strong aftershock rocked Haiti on Wednesday morning just as much-needed medical aid via a U.S. Navy ship reached the earthquake-ravaged nation. Patients at a hospital near Haiti’s airport in Port-au-Prince immediately started praying as the ground shook like a ship rocking back and forth. They asked for forgiveness and protection, a nurse said.” -CNN

i know i’m not perfect- and i shouldn’t expect myself to be. but i got a ‘shock’ of my own today if you’ll pardon the pun. it hit me like a ton of bricks: even on days when i think that i’m doing good… doing my best… going about life the way i’m supposed to- it means NOTHING if i don’t have the right perspective.

i’m not saying that we shouldn’t cry out to God when we’re upset.  i’m not saying it was BAD for me to ask God for patience and assurance, that i shouldn’t cast my cares upon him. that’s biblical. but what hearing about the aftershock in Haiti today made me realize is that what i shouldn’t do is forget how blessed i am. how much i have that i don’t deserve… how it’s not really mine anyway. i should rejoice in what God has given me- a sister to talk to. i should praise Him for the chance i have to talk to her. how many times have i overlooked blessings such as this? even worse, how many times have i viewed them as annoyances? complications? struggles? it’s easy to remember that all the ‘good’ stuff comes from God, but what about the other things- that i don’t like so much. when i’m looking at things from the wrong persepective, i forget that i am God’s and i live to serve His purposes. it’s no wonder i start feeling upset and discontent when i start forgetting that. my soul can’t rest if i’m worshiping other things… i was made to worship God alone. and lately God’s been showing me that one of the biggest idols standing in my way- is myself.

God is changing my heart, making me realize my own depravity. Gently pointing out my selfishness and whispering the Truth about what i’m made for.  He wants me to worship Him because THAT’S WHY HE MADE ME… and He knows that’s what i want too.  when i am too focused on myself, i get disgusted and discouraged.  when i am focused on Him, and seeking to know His ways- i am encouraged and have hope.  when i try to change myself, when i try to take control - i think i have good intentions but i’m really saying to God that i don’t trust Him.  when i take a leap of faith and drop everything and allow God to move- i am showing Him that i want to lean on Him.  and i don’t have to be afraid when i mess up because i know He knows my heart. i know He sees. i just have to keep at it. not at trying to do the right things and say the right things and never let anyone down. i have to DAILY renew my mindset. DAILY surrender. DAILY recognize that i’m NOTHING without Him. because then i’m reminded of His mercy. and i’m reminded of His love.

¹²We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

¹³But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.