a steady wish for the ultimate good

i have good days and i have bad days. sometimes i’m content, if not happy, and no matter the circumstances i go about my life with a positive attitude. i’m hopeful and patient and trusting and confident in You and Your love.

but sometimes i feel miserable. i feel useless and alone and like everything i’m spending time and energy on is just a waste of … life. i want to be a part of something big and i know that i am and i know we don’t always see it. but i’m so tired. i know that life is not always going to be ‘good’ but i just want to be with You through it all. i just want to know that You’re with me and that even when everything seems completely insane and totally irrelevant and meaningless… that at least i’m still with You. that i’m Yours and You’re mine and that all of this is for something greater that i can’t see yet. i want to believe it… because honestly i just get so caught up in the actions, in the passions, in the moments and then when it all crashes down and i remember how small i am… it’s frightening. because if i’m wrong this story could have a catastrophic ending. if i’m wrong, i’m toast.

i don’t know how to really explain it. i’m not just talking about circumstances in my own life. you know- my job, where i’m living, who i have a crush on, who i hang out with. i’m talking about this life itself. why don’t my head and my heart agree? God, what am i doing here? who am i? why am i so sinful, so selfish? i can’t stand my humanity. the way i blunder through my life, hurting people i love, and hating myself. i wasn’t meant to be so stuck. i want to be free. i don’t understand. but at the end of the day… all i have is my faith. “the principal part of faith is patience.” so… i’ll wait. i’ll wait on You.

come, Lord, like You promised. just like You said You would.