this morning, at 6:03 AM i hit snooze twice, dragged myself out of my warm bed, groggily climbed the stairs, and got in the shower. as i stood there under the hot water, i prayed. for myself. that i would be patient- that i would stay focused- that i wouldn’t worry about the little anxieties nipping at my mind. i got irritated when my sister came in to the bathroom and started getting ready. i was tired, and pissy… but i kept my mouth shut and listened to her tell me about a dream she’d had. i figured it was the ‘right’ thing to do. as a good christian, i needed to show her love- and that meant i should deny the urge i had to tell her “i’m sorry… i’m not in the mood to listen… i just want quiet.” i had to take deep breaths and literally bite my lip… but i listened. i kept my cool. mentally patted myself on the back for practicing self control. when i went back downstairs and finished getting ready- i was led to open up my bible to 1 corinthians 13. and this is what i read:
1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. 3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
with this in mind, i finished getting ready and went about my day. when i got to work i heard from some people that ‘another earthquake’ had hit Haiti. i went online to investigate, and i found out that this morning, at 6:03 AM- while i was getting ready:
“A strong aftershock rocked Haiti on Wednesday morning just as much-needed medical aid via a U.S. Navy ship reached the earthquake-ravaged nation. Patients at a hospital near Haiti’s airport in Port-au-Prince immediately started praying as the ground shook like a ship rocking back and forth. They asked for forgiveness and protection, a nurse said.” -CNN
i know i’m not perfect- and i shouldn’t expect myself to be. but i got a ‘shock’ of my own today if you’ll pardon the pun. it hit me like a ton of bricks: even on days when i think that i’m doing good… doing my best… going about life the way i’m supposed to- it means NOTHING if i don’t have the right perspective.
i’m not saying that we shouldn’t cry out to God when we’re upset. i’m not saying it was BAD for me to ask God for patience and assurance, that i shouldn’t cast my cares upon him. that’s biblical. but what hearing about the aftershock in Haiti today made me realize is that what i shouldn’t do is forget how blessed i am. how much i have that i don’t deserve… how it’s not really mine anyway. i should rejoice in what God has given me- a sister to talk to. i should praise Him for the chance i have to talk to her. how many times have i overlooked blessings such as this? even worse, how many times have i viewed them as annoyances? complications? struggles? it’s easy to remember that all the ‘good’ stuff comes from God, but what about the other things- that i don’t like so much. when i’m looking at things from the wrong persepective, i forget that i am God’s and i live to serve His purposes. it’s no wonder i start feeling upset and discontent when i start forgetting that. my soul can’t rest if i’m worshiping other things… i was made to worship God alone. and lately God’s been showing me that one of the biggest idols standing in my way- is myself.
God is changing my heart, making me realize my own depravity. Gently pointing out my selfishness and whispering the Truth about what i’m made for. He wants me to worship Him because THAT’S WHY HE MADE ME… and He knows that’s what i want too. when i am too focused on myself, i get disgusted and discouraged. when i am focused on Him, and seeking to know His ways- i am encouraged and have hope. when i try to change myself, when i try to take control - i think i have good intentions but i’m really saying to God that i don’t trust Him. when i take a leap of faith and drop everything and allow God to move- i am showing Him that i want to lean on Him. and i don’t have to be afraid when i mess up because i know He knows my heart. i know He sees. i just have to keep at it. not at trying to do the right things and say the right things and never let anyone down. i have to DAILY renew my mindset. DAILY surrender. DAILY recognize that i’m NOTHING without Him. because then i’m reminded of His mercy. and i’m reminded of His love.
12We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
