“it all depends on your perspective”
i won’t sugar coat it. i’ve been having a rough time lately. at the moment i have a splitting headache and i am exhausted- and i still have a midterm paper to write before i can go to bed. and then i have to be up at 7 for a class tomorrow. i’ve been fighting a cold and a stomach virus and a lot of fear and complacency. and it’s hard. and it’s okay. but i just had a really big reality check.
“The very quality of your life, whether you love it or hate it, is based upon
how thankful you are toward God. It is one’s attitude that determines
whether life unfolds into a place of blessedness or wretchedness. Indeed,
looking at the same rose bush, some people complain that the roses have
thorns while others rejoice that some thorns come with roses. It all depends
on your perspective.” — Francis Frangipane
this july, i spent 9 days in the poorest country in the western hemisphere. i experienced poverty as bad as you can imagine. i saw children who had nothing but the clothes on their backs. and most of them were smiling. God taught me a LOT through the Haitian people. and i really don’t think i’ve taken quite enough time to meditate or even just write about some of that. tonight, i was looking at some pictures i took on my trip. and something in my heart kind of snapped.
this life is not my own. this life is not my own. i live not for myself. i live only to see Your face.
i am so selfish. SO selfish. so wrapped up in my own issues and problems and comforts and i get so detached. i was sitting here less than an hour ago thinking about how i feel distant from Jesus. and i just kinda felt bad for myself… and started looking at pictures. i do that a lot. i reminisce and get stuck in the past. or get stuck thinkng about the future. i’m missing it. i’m missing it. i’m missing now.
yes… i have a headache. and my nose is stuffed up. and i’m physcially and spiritually and emotionally tired. but it’s not even about that. these circumstances are not an excuse for anything. my attitude needs adjusting. i am SO blessed. when all i can see are the things i don’t like or the things that i’m frustrated with or whatever, i am ONCE AGAIN forgetting my place.
Oh, God. how AMAZING is Your Grace, that saves a wretch like me. i am disgustingly sinful in myself, in my pride… and i am beyond humbled and greatful and so undeserving of the grace You pour out. the Blood that You shed for me.
Jesus, thank You for loving me. for seeing Your beauty in me despite the stench of my complaceny, my laziness, my ungreatfulness. for seeing Your son in me. God, thank You that even though i am so flawed, You take my broken pieces. even though you could just destroy them, You choose to remake them. You are forming me and molding me. God i am nothing without You.
i have been facing a lot of anxiety lately. i have to make decisions about my future. and something i keep saying is that i ‘don’t feel like school is for me.’ and maybe, it’s not. but the fact is… i’m in school at the moment. God has me here, now, in this semester… this is now. and i need to live now. i have not been giving school my all. i have not been pursuing it, because it is hard for me. it’s something i don’t enjoy. i have felt guilty about this… and guilt is not from the Lord. but tonight, God convicted me. as i flipped through pictures of some children i photographed in Haiti- i came across a few in their classroom. and something shifted in my gut as i looked at those small faces, in their dirt covered classes- and as i saw the joy and the thankfulness in their eyes. i don’t want to take my education for granted. i can’t.
Forgive me for squandering my blessings, Lord. Jesus… i want to go after You with everything. because it’s all Yours, anyway. Thank You for giving me a renewed perspective, God. once again.
